October 30, 2020

Verba ex Machina

Words From The Machine

Soul Mortgage Math

2 min read
Calculator and Money

Calculator and Money

The Devil doesn’t offer to buy souls anymore and offers soul mortgages instead. Pay off your loan within thirty years on a fixed rate, and you get your soul back. But if you fall behind, your soul goes into foreclosure, and anyone can buy it. You’ll need to take steps to pay off your loan within two years, or you’ll lose your soul. And since you have already paid off your loan, it’s hard to see how you get your soul back.


So, let’s say you’re living in New Jersey, on a good mortgage, and you have a family, a home, a car and a car loan to pay off. How much debt do you have to pay off before you can take steps to save your soul?


You need more than one soul to keep a family. The average American family has at least two children, and if you have four children, that’s six kids. The average American family has seven children, so you need nine souls.


The number nine is the highest, because you need at least nine souls in any given household. If you have two kids and no other children, that means you will need at least eight souls. If a couple has two kids and another couple, you also need one soul.


So, for a family of two, you need nine souls to make it through the next thirty years on a fixed rate of mortgage payment. But for a family of more, that number drops to eight souls. The average American family has eight souls, and the average American family has nine souls. The average American family has eight souls, and the average American family has nine souls.


So, if you are living off the grid, you need at least nine souls. But let’s say you’re in a house in Montana, and you have a house and a car loan. If you have a house loan, your house loan is worth more than your car loan, so you need more than nine souls to get your car loan. But if you have a house loan and you don’t pay on the house loan, you don’t get the car loan.  So, for a house loan you need nine souls. For a car loan you need nine souls.

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